Legal Hoe

Last week, Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute on his radio because she was set to testify in front of a congressional hearing about the importance of having contraception covered by health insurance. Limbaugh then goes on to say that if Miss Fluke wants the government to pay for her contraception, they should put her having sex on the internet for all to watch.

At that moment, three thoughts popped into my head. The first thought was ewww, weird!!!!. Second, the thought of Rush Limbaugh sitting in front of his computer terminal naked pleasuring himself to Miss Fluke having sex is not appealing at all. The third thought took a little more introspection. The third thought is Rush is jealous. What Rush doesn’t seem to understand that when he calls Miss Fluke a prostitute, he seems to be brushing aside that he too is a prostitute. He’s just a legal one.

Let me explain. The company that carries Rush’s radio show, Clear Channel, is the pimp. They found Rush wandering the streets looking hungry, thirsty, and in desperate need of shelter. They picked him up, feed him, gave him some water, and a roof over his head. He knows what the pimp does for a living and he knows that he just can’t lay up in the house and not put in work. First, the pimp has to test the product to make sure that its fit for public consumption. The pimp likes it. The pimp thinks this is great. The public will buy it. Now all the pimp has to do is to put him in a low-cut blouse, mini skirt, and some boots. At this point, he’s ready for the corner.

The hoe, Rush, is now out on the corner. He is sticking his head in every car, truck, and SUV rain or shine to make money for his  pimp. He eventually graduates to doing private parties. He’s gotten so in demand that if the price is right, he’ll fly anywhere to prove that he is the top hoe in the stable.

The johns come in the form of sponsors and listeners. They’re the guy or girl who never had much luck fitting in with everyone else. They never had a boyfriend or girlfriend in high school. They were never invited to the keger in college. So awkward socially, they are the ones who are willing to pay top price for the pleasure of having the prettiest hoe in the pimps stable on their arm to be the envy of the other johns.

All seems great. But the hoe now wants a little more than what the game has to offer. They still want to hoe, but for some reason, they want a partner to share it with. And wouldn’t you know it, there is a john that sees past all the notches on the hoe’s bedpost and marries the hoe. But that marriage doesn’t work because you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. The hoe gets divorced. The hoe marries three more times. Three more times the hoe gets divorced for the same reason the first married didn’t work. The hoe needs the pimps shoulder to cry on now.

On the way to the pimp’s place, the hoe notices that they have built a rehab center funded by the government right in front of the corner where you became famous. The pimp tells you that this center is for recovering johns. They are there to educate the johns on the dangers of prostitution and how it can affect their lives and their families. Business just isn’t the same because some of the johns are listening. The hoe has a few loyal johns left. but instead of going to the five-star hotel, they take the hoe to the flea infested motel around the corner. It’s all because the director of the rehab center, Miss Fluke, is trying to save people from the likes of the hoe. How dare she! So instead of talking to her woman to hoe, the hoe starts a campaign to stop her from saving people.

Rush, Jeff Christie, or whatever you want to call yourself, you have to realize that you can’t stay on top forever. Hoes get old. The wrinkles start to form. The breast start to sag. They start to get stretch marks and cellulite is pouring from their thighs. Someone younger and prettier is going to come along and take your spot. At one point you had beauty to some of your johns. But once you’re stripped of your beauty and you’re left with your brain, you’re not so appealing. That’s how the game works. You get chewed up and spit out. Hope you saved for a rainy day.


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