So I’m riding in my rig with the Mrs. to go get something to eat. We get off the freeway and I look to my left and I see this bike propped up against some scrubs. I see on the handle bars a plastic grocery bag full of stuff. I can’t make out what it is for sure, but all I know it’s was stuff. I look over to my right and there I see him. I see Put Out Guy. And I’m not talking about Legit Homeless Guy.
The guy who has all his belongings in a stolen Target shopping cart rocking a trench coat in 90 degree weather. I’m talking about this
People who aren’t homeless. They’re simply put out of their homes. Or as my wife would say, If they just went home and apologized, they would be let back in the house. Here are some characteristics of Put Out Guy.
1) Put Out guy has a fresh set of wheels. He is rocking the
mountain bike, or
beach cruiser. It’s always propped up against a random tree or shrubbery with like I said before, a plastic grocery sack attached to the handle bars.
2) Put Out Guy always seems to have the latest gear. The guy I saw yesterday was rocking (no joke) a fresh, new
blue and white Ralph Lauren Polo shirt, super clean jeans, and some fresh, new, just out of the box
Ken Griffey Nike’s. What part of this is supposed to make me feel sorry for you enough to roll down the window of my rig to give you some spare change. If you’re going to play Bum #2 in this real life movie of homelessness, at least look the part. I would like to see a ratty dingy T-shirt, dirty holey jeans, and some shoes with the bottoms worn out of them. If the Pres can rock these shoes,
surely you can step up your game and get some worse when you come knocking on my rig window begging for a buck.
3) Put Out Guy seems to always have enough money for
some cardboard and a permanent marker to make a sign. I get investing in your business, but come on. Is this what comes standard with the Put Out Guy manual? And please, Put Out Guy, let’s start getting creative with the signs. Hungry, Will Work For Food is played out. Needing Life Altering Surgery is getting old, and my personal favorite, I’m Stranded and I Need Gas Money To Get Home is not only lame, but stupid. You didn’t process that before you made the road trip?
4) Put Out Guy starts recruiting his family and friends. Not only do you have Put Out Guy. But you now got Put Out Wife, Put Out In-Laws, Put Out Kids, and Put Out Roommate. While I understand that there are truly some homeless families out there and unemployment is at 8.2%, nothing is more low then having the family partake in your scheme. And what’s up with you guys taking shifts like it’s a real job? Does someone post the week’s schedule on another piece of cardboard on a tree near your “spot”? How do you all figure out who takes the 7am to 11am shift? Seniority? Do you all have a way to split the days take?
Whatever the case, I just need you all to stop it. As long as you are rocking the latest gear, the latest bike, and you got your whole family trying to scheme me, when you roll up to my window begging and/or looking pitiful get ready to hear these words